i guess i’m just trying to stay afloat right now

and play your cards close to your sleeve.

for the first time in a really long time (a year and a half), i’m not attached to any specific guy. for once, i don’t like someone. don’t get me wrong, there are certain people i find very attractive, and there are people who i’m finding myself enjoying spending time with, but there is no one in my life whom i’m pining to be with. sadly enough, i never thought i’d be able to say that about myself. i’m the kind of girl who just has always liked someone…and it’s pathetic that something like that has defined me for so long. no more. i’m capable of so much more than that. i don’t need a guy to like me in order to feel special. i don’t need a special someone in order to feel special about myself. and at times it’ll be lonely, and at times i’m going to break down and wish that i could have that kind of person in my life again, but when it’s all boiled down to the basics, i don’t NEED someone. i shouldn’t need someone…because i have me. and while i’m full of a lot of faults, i shouldn’t need validation from someone else to know that i am worth something. i am worthy of being loved, but that does not mean that i need love to thrive at this point in my life. it’s taken me so long to see it, but it’s suddenly clear to me.

that feeling when you find out something that you don’t think you were ready to find out =/ and i thought i was just starting to figure you out, too. the last thing i want to get wrapped up in is a web of jealousy and drama, so i think i’m just going to bow out of this one.

WHY do i have to be such a sucker for sweet-talking?!

today, i realized something about myself that i need to change: i let my happiness depend too much on the people around me. it’s completely unnecessary. i DO have the power to be content with myself. let whatever this past year was be…i’m moving on to bigger and better things. 19, let’s do it =]

it’s probably one of the most disheartening things to have such high hopes for something and to see it never really reach its full potential. disappointment after disappointment is only making it harder for me to stay.

i’m am literally just waiting for a yes or a no. i can’t remember the last time i was this scared for something. and all though this decision could go either way, i know which way it’ll be…it’ll be a no, and i’ll be left in the dust, replaced by someone far superior to myself. and for a while there, you really had me going.